Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
