also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
