so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
