I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
