u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
