apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
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But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
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And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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