I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
