Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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