And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
