dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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