if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
