I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
