if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
