jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
