hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
