He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
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He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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