her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
this boner is exhausting
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
