everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
