my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
