I just threw up on my dentist
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
