Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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