Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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