I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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