We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
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Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
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If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.