At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.