I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
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Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
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It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?