We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My life is pants optional.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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