Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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