I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
