I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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