12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
