there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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