Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Can't talk, ducks in the car
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
