Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
