Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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