I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
