Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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