i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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