Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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