my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
is wine microwaveable?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
