I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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