Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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