i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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