i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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