rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
