I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
