We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
