I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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