btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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