If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
