when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
