I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
