I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
